I could be sauntering down the street with that special bounce to my step, burnished dark brown locks flowing in waves to my neck and gleaming in the sunlight. I suppose I could make men turn to look or dash up to me with gifts but why is that I am so bloody useless at relationships? No problem getting into them, but keeping them going longer than a couple of weeks...well, that was another matter altogether. Either that or men seemed to rotate into my schedule for several nights or weeks, and then rotate out, creating a vacuum that could only be filled by another fortnight fling.
I downed another beer and poured myself another. I didnt care if I was drunk by the time Max showed up. Max had seen me in far worse condition - snot flowing down my face, mascara streaked to my chin, and in the midst of the aforementioned puking episode. Max had seen every ugly, petty, disgusting part of me and that's why he was my best friend, one i called my brother. Any guy who can watch you hurl the whole bag of Doritos is a keeper. And when we drove up to the Highlands for a night of mindless drunken fun with Mic, the boys actually let me play the entire tracks of 'emofied' songs. You dont just find friends like that on the street corner.
I'd met Max through college years and back in Uni, since I didnt know anyone else, I ended up talking to Max again, tagging along like a lost puppy. We always ended up at McD's in the middle of the night, devouring cheeseburgers or movie marathons every other weekend. At that time, I was still seeing Ken and Max had been in an open relationship with Ellie, a manipulative bitch who thinks she's too good enough for anybody. Six months later, I caught Ken in bed with his front desk manager not literally, THANK GOD!! and three weeks later Ellie conceited as she's been by far, called it off with Max.
If we had been really pathetic, we would've ended up sleeping with each other. But since we were only semipathetic, we ended up drinking and eating with each other. A lot. And bitching and ranting. A lot. Pursuits at which we were highly skilled. Besides, Max had issues. He was an introvert and a freak about throwing unwanted stuff away which he called his treasures. If one dared to throw away his paperbag and water bottle collections, he would trip and go bellistic. Issues. One thing's for sure Ellie no longer slept with 'issues'. She was out of the issues business and he's better off without her anyways.
When Max walked in, he looked as if he were ready to kill. He was far too wholesome-looking to convey any actual sense of malice. He plopped down in the booth, dropped his briefcase on the floor, and reached for the beer, downing it in one gulp and slamming the glass back onto the table.
'AHHH...the need to moisturize my throat! Why do I do what I do?" His brown eyes narrowed, as if he's been pondering the question the entire drive over.
‘Because it pays well.’
‘It doesn’t pay well enough for me to have to listen to an idiot tell me he should get a million-five when he only got three-fifty on his last project, which bombed and he should’ve been shot for. I hate imbecile clients.’ He signaled to the waitress for another pitcher. ‘Yet I am their slave. There is something very wrong with my life.’
‘I broke up with him. When are the boys supposed to be here?’ I looked across the crowded bar towards the door, hoping to catch Billy and Mic as they came in. From the look of things, they’d have to sway their way through a gang of bimbos, their chatty mouth induced with lip plumping collagen cream. I glanced over to find Max biting his lip. Actually biting his lip to keep from saying what I knew he was dying to. I sighed. ‘Say it.’
‘You’re insane.’
When it comes to offering opinions, Max never need to be asked twice.
‘He was driving me insane,’ I said. ‘But only in the right-hand lane.’
'He was nuts about you,’ Max said. ‘And he was cute, and let’s not forget he was nuts about you.’ ‘He was nuts all right.’
‘Okay,’ I allowed, ‘he wasn’t nuts. He was perfectly sane. Annoying, but sane.’ I shrugged. ‘He’ll make some dandruff-prone, pun-loving, cereal eater a lovely boyfriend someday. Can we change the subject now?’
Max took my hand in both of his, and I couldn’t help noticing how much softer his skin felt than mine. ‘Andie, I’m you’re oldest friend in this town, and we’ve seen each other through the good men and the bad, so believe me when I tell you, and I say this with love’ – he took a moment
to give me a totally sincere look – ‘you’re going to die alone.’
‘Very funny.’ I withdrew my hand and patted him patronizingly on the arm. ‘I hope you’ve got better material in your upcomin event.’
Max’s eyes narrowed. ‘Nice try. You think if you mention the event, you’ll distract me. How self-centered do you think I am?’
I held my hands about a foot apart. ‘This much?’
‘More. But I’ll spare you because the boys are here, and neither of us will get to talk about anything but how Liverpools gonna thrash MU, best game of the century for the rest of the year.’
‘What’s going on with you two?’ Billy asked. He had finished my beer and was eyeing Max’s when the waiter came with reinforcements. ‘You looked like something serious was going down when we came in. Thanks!’ The last word was addressed to the waiter and accompanied by
one of Billy’s you-can-take-the-boy-out-of-anywhere-but-you-can’t-take-the-hermit-out-of-the-hermit cheeky grins. But he frowned when he turned to me. ‘Did you get laid off from your all time happening job?’
‘Sure she has a job,’ Max said smoothly. ‘Three guesses what she doesn’t have.’
‘Oh.’ Billy looked relieved. ‘Is that all? She just broke up with Nick?’ Billy turned to Max. ‘How long did he last?’
Max looked up from the menu and squinted. ‘She was seeing him last Xmas Day. ‘So if it’s April now, and that was end-December, he probably made it four, maybe five months.’
‘Not bad.’ Billy nodded absently while looking over the list of bucket beers. ‘What do you think pushed her over the edge? Mummy's boy?’
‘Probably the whole deal about applying moisturizer after toner,’ Mic guessed.
‘You’re both wrong,’ Max informed them. ‘It was Mr. Benchmark...all the way!’
‘Are you three sure you don’t need me for this discussion?’ I asked them. ‘Really, it’s okay, because I’m right here.’
They all looked at me for about two beats, then resumed the conversation, leaving me out of it. Which was fine. I needed the practice. I was going to die alone.
I'd met Max through college years and back in Uni, since I didnt know anyone else, I ended up talking to Max again, tagging along like a lost puppy. We always ended up at McD's in the middle of the night, devouring cheeseburgers or movie marathons every other weekend. At that time, I was still seeing Ken and Max had been in an open relationship with Ellie, a manipulative bitch who thinks she's too good enough for anybody. Six months later, I caught Ken in bed with his front desk manager not literally, THANK GOD!! and three weeks later Ellie conceited as she's been by far, called it off with Max.
If we had been really pathetic, we would've ended up sleeping with each other. But since we were only semipathetic, we ended up drinking and eating with each other. A lot. And bitching and ranting. A lot. Pursuits at which we were highly skilled. Besides, Max had issues. He was an introvert and a freak about throwing unwanted stuff away which he called his treasures. If one dared to throw away his paperbag and water bottle collections, he would trip and go bellistic. Issues. One thing's for sure Ellie no longer slept with 'issues'. She was out of the issues business and he's better off without her anyways.
When Max walked in, he looked as if he were ready to kill. He was far too wholesome-looking to convey any actual sense of malice. He plopped down in the booth, dropped his briefcase on the floor, and reached for the beer, downing it in one gulp and slamming the glass back onto the table.
'AHHH...the need to moisturize my throat! Why do I do what I do?" His brown eyes narrowed, as if he's been pondering the question the entire drive over.
‘Because it pays well.’
‘It doesn’t pay well enough for me to have to listen to an idiot tell me he should get a million-five when he only got three-fifty on his last project, which bombed and he should’ve been shot for. I hate imbecile clients.’ He signaled to the waitress for another pitcher. ‘Yet I am their slave. There is something very wrong with my life.’
‘I broke up with him. When are the boys supposed to be here?’ I looked across the crowded bar towards the door, hoping to catch Billy and Mic as they came in. From the look of things, they’d have to sway their way through a gang of bimbos, their chatty mouth induced with lip plumping collagen cream. I glanced over to find Max biting his lip. Actually biting his lip to keep from saying what I knew he was dying to. I sighed. ‘Say it.’
‘You’re insane.’
When it comes to offering opinions, Max never need to be asked twice.
‘He was driving me insane,’ I said. ‘But only in the right-hand lane.’
'He was nuts about you,’ Max said. ‘And he was cute, and let’s not forget he was nuts about you.’ ‘He was nuts all right.’
‘Okay,’ I allowed, ‘he wasn’t nuts. He was perfectly sane. Annoying, but sane.’ I shrugged. ‘He’ll make some dandruff-prone, pun-loving, cereal eater a lovely boyfriend someday. Can we change the subject now?’
Max took my hand in both of his, and I couldn’t help noticing how much softer his skin felt than mine. ‘Andie, I’m you’re oldest friend in this town, and we’ve seen each other through the good men and the bad, so believe me when I tell you, and I say this with love’ – he took a moment
to give me a totally sincere look – ‘you’re going to die alone.’
‘Very funny.’ I withdrew my hand and patted him patronizingly on the arm. ‘I hope you’ve got better material in your upcomin event.’
Max’s eyes narrowed. ‘Nice try. You think if you mention the event, you’ll distract me. How self-centered do you think I am?’
I held my hands about a foot apart. ‘This much?’
‘More. But I’ll spare you because the boys are here, and neither of us will get to talk about anything but how Liverpools gonna thrash MU, best game of the century for the rest of the year.’
‘What’s going on with you two?’ Billy asked. He had finished my beer and was eyeing Max’s when the waiter came with reinforcements. ‘You looked like something serious was going down when we came in. Thanks!’ The last word was addressed to the waiter and accompanied by
one of Billy’s you-can-take-the-boy-out-of-anywhere-but-you-can’t-take-the-hermit-out-of-the-hermit cheeky grins. But he frowned when he turned to me. ‘Did you get laid off from your all time happening job?’
‘Sure she has a job,’ Max said smoothly. ‘Three guesses what she doesn’t have.’
‘Oh.’ Billy looked relieved. ‘Is that all? She just broke up with Nick?’ Billy turned to Max. ‘How long did he last?’
Max looked up from the menu and squinted. ‘She was seeing him last Xmas Day. ‘So if it’s April now, and that was end-December, he probably made it four, maybe five months.’
‘Not bad.’ Billy nodded absently while looking over the list of bucket beers. ‘What do you think pushed her over the edge? Mummy's boy?’
‘Probably the whole deal about applying moisturizer after toner,’ Mic guessed.
‘You’re both wrong,’ Max informed them. ‘It was Mr. Benchmark...all the way!’
‘Are you three sure you don’t need me for this discussion?’ I asked them. ‘Really, it’s okay, because I’m right here.’
They all looked at me for about two beats, then resumed the conversation, leaving me out of it. Which was fine. I needed the practice. I was going to die alone.
